Content He Didn't Come Up With - #4

Special thanks to Craig Chapman for making me fall out of my chair, laughing and nearly peeing my pants.

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

A Dream Come True... finally...

It's been 3 years since I started teaching at ITT Technical Institute in Getzville, NY. A lot of you new about me starting out there back in July of 2005 covering a single class on Director and Flash. Recently, and unfortunately, a few of the full-time instructors departed for industry jobs. The downside has frankly been the loss of some very talented, dedicated people who really cared for their students. I know I've been disappointed by those people moving on to new things, and I do wish each and every one of them well in their future endeavors.

I must say, however, that their leaving finally opened an opportunity for me, and as much as I wish I could still teach with them regularly, I am grateful for the opportunity presented to me, and I hope I can do them proud.

Officially, I will be starting as a full time professor (not a Doctor or PhD... yet, but a professor nonetheless) of Multimedia this quarter. This is the culmination of 2 and a half years of hoping and desiring such a position, so I consider myself very fortunate to have a chance to finally do this. I've sometimes heard the joke "Those who can, do, those who can't teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." I don't agree. I've seen a number of very talented and skilled people come in from the industry, or go out to it, and I think that teaching is a very special and important part of building the future. I don't say that to sound all high and mighty, but only to point out that I have a great level of respect for teachers of all levels. It's not an easy job to do, and it's even more of a challenge when it becomes your primary focus, professionally. Still, I can but hope I'll be up to the challenge and that I'll bring out the best in my students.

It is a dream come true, and I hope that I can make it an exciting turn of events for my students... and something that can make my peers and fellow professionals excited for and pleased with me.