PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING

Thank you for purchasing out wonderful service. We hope that you will continue to enjoy this service for years to come, and we look forward to serving you because you have given us, and will continue to give us large amounts of money despite the fact that you will never actually do anything with what we provide. To benefit the most from this service, you must properly operate the supplied device.

But please, read this entire brochure before you begin to utilize the service... You've already tried to use it, haven't you. You plugged in the device, and tried to access the service, and you've fiddled with the knobs, and now you're looking for a tech support number so you can have US fix it, because we don't charge for tech support right now... and your 4-year-old, the same 4-year-old who you yell at all the time...THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PROGRAM YOUR VCR... he isn't anywhere to be found and YOU'RE blaming US for your incompetence?

Sorry... we're a bit uptight from all the stupid tech support problems we've heard of, including the one where a guy tried to cut 5 1/4" disks to fit in the 3 1/2 drive on his computer. So we tend to assume you're going to be a jackass about it too, but we mean nothing about it.

So let's get to it:

WE SUPPLY

1 The access unit
1 Drivers CD
1 List of support numbers

YOU WILL NEED

1 One 3.6 MHz Connector
4 Chub ended boxcar prawns
10000 feet of UZ-i Connectivity cable
1 Hammer

INSTRUCTIONS

(Translated from Japanese)
For to install device in placement that is finest, be sure to connect earth wire with wall so that flow will interrupt shocks. Do not hold land and (something) water placing so that (monkey?) can not land on steel bar.

Warning - Never:
1) Hold these buttons twice
2) Screw cap into socket
3) Rock and spank device

If you have any questions, please be sure to contact our service number at
{paper shredded}

PUMPING UP

I actually remember last summer fairly well considering up sleep deprived I always was. I worked for a guy who owned several gas stations in my home town, and despite the fact that they were totally different brands of gas, the stores had enough in common that I could switch effortlessly from working at one to working at the other. It was terrific because it meant I had plenty of hours... in fact, I had so many that I was actually clocking enough pay for 2 people. Yup... and you know, now that I look back on it, I realize that the greatest benefit of working there was coming to the realization that compared to most of this people, I am a very fortunate person. For one thing, I have a working brain.

I swear that I should have kept track of the number of times I would hear any given stupid statement, so I could tell you what the greatest idiocy of my customers was... I can't... so instead, I will give you some of the most memorable of them.


Incident 1

Drive Around... and Around... and Around... duh?

So there I was, working the 3rd (well, I also had worked through the 2nd) shift and some nice young (stupid) girl comes driving up in her car to get gas... well, of course, we need to realize that this young lady, who is maybe 18 or 19 is a very pretty young girl driving a fancy car. A car that she obviously hasn't payed for herself, and knows nothing about...

And it gets better...

Because she's drunk. Yup, I get them all... believe me.

Anyway, so miss brilliant drives up and gets out... I have to watch this because it's an attractive young woman in a short dress... a dress that has far more material than her head has brain... and this was a really small dress. So she pulls up... staggers to the pump and takes the handle and... oh... the gas tank is on the other side... ok... no problem... hang up the nozel, get in, drive around the pump... get out, pull out the handle and... hey... the tank is on the other side... hang up the nozel, get in, drive around the pump... get out, pull out the handle and... hey... the tank is on the other side... hang up the nozel, get in, drive around the pump... get out, pull out the handle and... that pesky tank... it's STILL on the other side. Are you following this folks? This girl is so drunk that she keeps driving around the same island so that the tank is ALWAYS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CAR. You know, it's a nice thing I'm a decent person who won't take advantage of such a person. I kindly go out and direct her to a pump in such a way that she is now on the right side... and that is some OBVIOUSLY good alcohol... I think at one point she even winked at me... pure... mind... I don't take advantage of people like this.

So she pumps her gas... and pays me... and goes to her car... and she... can't find her keys... after thirty second, I go out and point out that they're still in the ignition... she gives me a hug (like I did anything) and drives away... I don't take advantage of people like that... SEE? I'M A NICE GUY... oh well.


Incident 2

I SEE...DRUNK...PEOPLE

Yeah... another drunk story... I get lots of these, as you can tell.

So of course, it's another double shift... I get a lot of these, too. And I'm working on stocking the coolers. And it's 2:15am. And the bars have just closed. Now the two people who are walking back from God-only-knows-where and stop at my window are asking if we have a bathroom... we do... it's open... you don't need a key... so guy one goes to the bathroom, and guy two is standing at the window and chatting away with me... and I have no idea what he's jabbering about... and it's eventually 2:30... and he's... still jabbering... nervously... because his friend hasn't returned yet... that is going to be a mess... I can see it. So I turn off the pumps, lock the store, walk around... and the lights are out and the door is locked... oh boy.

I knock on the door... no answer... I knock again... still no answer... well, it should just be a guy in there, right?

So I unlock the door... and ther the guy is... leaned back on the tank from the toilet... great... and now his friend walks over and:

"OH MY GOD HE'S DEAD."

"He is snoring."

"He is?"

Yeah... kinda obvious with his chest moving up and down. "Yeah... hear it?" You putz.

"Oh... should I wake him up?"

DUH "I think so."

"Ok. What should I do?"

GO IN AND SHAKE HIM AWAKE YOU F***ING MORON "Go in and shake him awake, sir." JACKASS

So yes... some of my customers see dead people... some of my customers are real idiots.


Incident 3

Cute = Statutory

Can you guess what the end result of this is going to be? Probably you can from reading other posts. So I'm working, once again, night shift. I don't know... maybe it's something in the water... or the fact that I have fewer overall jackoffs to deal with.

But this is kinda cute, and I can't mock the customer in this one... it really is kinda cute... annoying to me... but cute nonetheless.

A girl, probably no more than 14, comes up to my window at about 1am. What she's doing out at 1am I have no idea. But she wants a Pepsi... no problem... I get her the Pepsi, ring her out... and then she looks at me for a moment... and then leaves... ok... so maybe she thought she recognized me or something... it happens.

Anyway, about a half-hour later, she comes back up to the window again.

Girl: "Can I have a snickers?"

Me: "Sure... $0.64.

Girl: "Thank you." {stare}

Um... ok... whatever. So I go back to reading the comics.

It's now about 2am... you know, maybe it's something about the time slot.

{knock knock} GUESS WHO?!? Actually, it's the girl's friend... and of course the girl is there too... both of them are 14, so this is just so... cute.

Friend: "I'd like a Pepsi."

Me: "$1.12."

Friend: "Thanks."

Girl {stare - walk away with friend}.

Um... what the... hmm... what's in the national news?

Well... it's about 2:30... I'll restock the cooler a bit more and

{knock-knock} Oh-no.

Girl: "Can I have another Pepsi."

Me: Um "Sure. $1.12."

Girl: "... do you have a girlfriend?"

Me: Um "...no."

Girl: "... do you want one?"

Excuse me... what's wrong with this picture?

Me: "Sure... if she is my age, maybe."

Girl: {a bit excited now} "How old are you?"

Me: "20."

Girl: {a bit sadder} "Ok."

Look folks, I don't break hearts of kids on purpose... I mean, she was very pretty, and I'm sure she's a nicer person, but there's this thing... it's called my ass... I don't relish getting arrested for statutory rape and then having to be the bitch of some big guy named Bubba. So I kinda sent her away. And it's not like she never stopped by and said hi again... she did a couple more times. I think she had sincerely hoped to have an older boy. You know... maybe in about 4 years, I'll be able to help her out.

Like I said, the situation was cute. And if I was going back this summer, I'm sure I'd find her happily dating someone about her age... or she'd stop by every day and say hello.

Well, that's ok... at least she wans't drunk... I'll expect that if I'm working there when she's 19... and if I am, someone, shoot me please.

GOOD NIGHT!

Antagonism

Computer: You have installed a new network card.

You: That is correct.

Computer: It is a RealTek8026.

You: No, that is the card I just replaced.

Computer: I am now looking for drivers for your RealTek8026.

You: You don't understand. I just removed the RealTek8026. I now have a DLink510.

Computer: I have found a driver for your RealTek8026. Shall I install it?

You: But it's not a...fine, whatever make you happy.

Computer: I have updated the driver and will now restart.

You: Whatever.

Computer: [restarts]

You: Get me myth5, please.

Computer: I can't. Your RealTek8026 isn't behaving as it should.

You: Of course not, dumbass. Like I said, I have a DLink510.

Computer: Check the Properties/Drivers menu on your hard drive icon.

You: Okay. Yes, I know that you think it's a RealTek8026, but...no, never mind. Remove that RealTek.

Computer: Done. I will now reboot. [pause] I have found new hardware.

You: Yes. It is my DLink510.

Computer: It is a RealTek8026. I am looking for drivers...

You: IT'S NOT A FUCKING REALTEK.

Computer: I have found a driver. Shall I use it?

You: No. Use the driver on this disk.

Computer: Okay. Ah, I see that this is a driver for a DLink510.

You: Indeed it is. That's what I have. The card you are looking at is a DLink510, not a RealTek8026. My old card was a RealTek8026, but I am now holding it up in front of you. See? Clearly, the card inside the computer is not a RealTek8026. Do you understand?

Computer: Sure.

You: [attempts to log on and fails] Why isn't this working?

Computer: Boy, you got me. I think your RealTek8026 is acting up.

You: What?

Computer: Perhaps you put it in wrong or something.

You: Listen, asshole, I'm not going to say it again. I have a DLink. The driver I gave you is for a DLink. Look - see this device profile? It's for a DLink! You say so yourself!

Computer: Do you want me to freeze up on you?

You: Don't you try to threaten me, you sack of shit.

Computer: [freezes up]

You: [restarts] I dare you to do that again.

Computer: [freezes up]

You: GOD DAMN [restarts] I'M GONNA SMASH YOUR FUCKING HEAD LIKE A DRY EGGSHELL.

Computer: [amusedly] Hey, guess what I just detected! It's a RealTek8026!

You: Yeah, yeah, keep it up and see what it gets you.

You: [shuts down machine] [removes DLink card, noting that "DLink" is clearly written on the central chip] [restarts computer] Well, do you see any RealTek's now?

Computer: RealTek? What's that?

You: If I do a search for RealTek, or rt, or 8026, I'm not going to find any bullshit files hidden in this pathetic, bloated OS, am I?

Computer: Of course not.

You: [searches] [finds nothing] Excellent. Perhaps you were just confused.

Computer: Hm. Could be.

You: [shuts down] [reinserts DLink510] [restarts]

Computer: I have located some new hardware. It is a RealTek8026. I am now searching...

You: DAMN YOU TO HELL.

Computer: ...for drivers for this device. Look, I've found three. Which shall I choose from?

You: This isn't funny, you filthy cocksucker. Tell you what: I'll switch my DLink to a different slot.

Computer: What's a DLink? All I see is this RealTek8026. Shall I load up a driver for...

You: [shuts down] [swaps slots] [double-checks that "DLink" is written on this card and "RealTek" is written on the card lying on the floor] [restarts]

Computer: I have found new hardware. It is a DLink510 Ethernet adapter.

You: Excellent! It certainly is!

Computer: Ha ha, no, I was kidding. In fact it is a RealTek8026.

You: YOU FUCKING LOAD OF SHIT, WHY ARE DOING THIS TO ME?

Computer: What? I can't hear you. I'm all frozen up! [freezes up]

You: [restarts] Man. A $1700 piece of crap. I could buy crap for $5 a bag back in Illinois, but here in California it goes for $1700.

Computer: Glory be, what is this that I detect? It appears to be a RealTek8026! A fine company, that RealTek. Shall I show you the wide array of drivers available for your RealTek8026?

You: Fuck you. [goes to bed]

So this morning's story is entitled:

Getting Booked

I went this morning to the bookstore on campus to return my accounting book. A book that has served me little purpose other than to help keep a poster flat for me so I could hang it on my wall. And do you want to know the great part? They wouldn't buy it back! Why? Because... there's a new edition coming out. A new edition. Why didn't you tell me this back when I was getting the book? I paid $100.00 for this crappy book. I'm a CS major, and a poor one at that. Why the hell would you want to waste my money.

The answer, of course, is obvious: because they are part of a governmentally run educational institution. Isn't that a grand reason? The school, which is supposed to provide a quality education for a reasonable cost, is ripping us off. And if you think the books are bad, you should see the cost of other things on this campus.

Just to show you:

Meal plan - $1,500 per semester
Housing - $2,200 per semester
Tuition - $1,800 per semester

And that doesn't count other supplies such as a computer, additional food costs, transportation fees, etc. It's quite sickening.

I'm not bitching, though... what I am doing, instead, is proposing a plan...

Next time your income tax comes in, send them the approximate amount in used text-books... they'll probably say:

"What good is this?"

And you can say: "Why don't you explain that to me next time I go to get the recommended textbooks at your SUNY schools."

In accordance with Federal regulation reguarding funding cutbacks, today's flight will be operating without engines, or a crew. Have a nice day.

!